


Asking for a Direction

by RennieOnIceCream (Hitsugi_Zirkus)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Coming Out, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Supportive Guang Hong Ji AKA Best Boyfriend, YOI Pride Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 02:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15086888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitsugi_Zirkus/pseuds/RennieOnIceCream
Summary: As much as Leo loved coming home and loved his family, he couldn’t deny that part of himself was stuffed inside of a shoebox under his bed, out of sight.He had to bite his tongue when hisprimosflung slurs around like it was nothing. When histíasinnocently asked when he was going to find a pretty girl to do pair skates with, he could only force a laugh.When his mother lit up at trying Guang Hong’s recipes and talked about how she had watched his programs and loved them, Leo had to swallow down shouting from the rooftops,“Yes, isn’t he amazing? That’s the boy I love, and I want you to meet him, I want to introduce you to my boyfriend, Mamá.”(Written for YOI Pride Week Day 2: Overcoming/Healing)





	Asking for a Direction

**Author's Note:**

> I kept wanting to write something for Pride Month but I kept getting busy and wasn't able to give thought to any ideas. Eventually I started thinking about my own circumstances when I thought about coming out to my mother. Coming out is difficult, and it's a whole other can of worms when you're Hispanic too. So even though YOI takes place in a non-homophobic world, I found myself thinking about Leo coming out in our current world, and how much internal conflict he'd have to go through. And, well, I always wanted to write a Leoji, so here we are.
> 
> Please note that while this fic does NOT contain homophobic violence, there ARE slurs tossed in. Also, if it makes you feel any more at ease, I actually completely skipped over the immediate outcome of Leo's coming out (mostly because it hit too close to home and I wanted this fic to end happily). This mostly focuses on his inner conflicts. Anyway with that, I hope you enjoy.

“Leo, you’ve got some mail!”

The soreness in his muscles that he’d tried to melt away in the shower seemed to finally lift from his body all at once. Leo all but dashed out of his room with a towel still draped over his long hair, and he narrowly missed a collision with his younger brother Luis as he met his mother at the dining room table, where she had just put down her purse.

Leo saw the envelope laying on top of a pile of bills and coupons and eagerly plucked it up. “Thank you!”

Before he could run back to his room and open the letter, his mother tugged at the back of his shirt. “ _Excuse me_ ,” she said, affronted.

Realizing his mistake, Leo quickly leaned down to give her a kiss. “ _Hola_ , Ma.”

Now content, his mother sat down in one of the chairs and started sorting through the rest of the mail. “Another letter from your skating friend, right? You want to go grocery shopping tomorrow?” She gave him a knowing smile.

“Is that okay?”

“ _Claro_ , I like the things he sends us,” she said, patting Leo’s cheek. “How did he like the _menudo_?”

“He texted me some pictures, I can show you later. He actually really liked it though, I’m glad he gave it a try since he doesn’t really like hot, soupy things.” He grinned as he remembered Guang Hong’s personal livestream of eating it, surprise lighting his chestnut eyes when he took his first swallow.

_“Think we can try hotpot the next time we’re together then?”_

_“Don’t push it.”_

“When me and Luis went out earlier, we got some _elotes_ , I think I’ll send him that next.” Leo took an eager step back, waving the envelope.

His mother nodded and waved him away. As soon as she did, Leo bounded back down the hall to his room. Even when he was constantly out training and traveling, his mother made it a point to keep his room intact, even if she thought all the vinyl records he had hanging on the wall were tacky. Having this room, this home, was something Leo always appreciated; having something familiar to come back to when the skating season was over. It grounded him and gave him a sense of belonging.

There was only one thing this comfort always missed though.

Leo sat down on his bed, admiring for a brief moment the familiar scrawl of his name written by Guang Hong’s hand. He always loved the Chinese postage stamps, with the graceful and soft birds, and the colorful animals and flowers. Leo never threw the envelopes away and opened them with care.

Laying back on his pillows, Leo took the letter out and started to read.

Even though he and Guang Hong constantly chatted on their phones and online, there was a certain romance in exchanging handwritten physical letters that the both of them enjoyed. Dotting the lines of his words, Guang Hong had drawn little doodles to illustrate the stories of his family (both parents, an older sister, and one adorable dog), his training, and daily life in Beijing. When Leo sent letters, sometimes he attached songs he made up. And since they both had interests in each other’s culture, they had taken to exchanging recipes and livestreaming to each other cooking or eating them. It made the distance between them seem less so.

He pulled out the page detailing how to make Guang Hong’s favorite _jian bing_ , laughing at all the hearts and how Guang Hong gushed how tasty it was through the recipe.

“Whoa, what are you looking at?” 13-year-old Luis stood just outside the doorway, his already large brown eyes wide in surprise. A sly grin played on his lips. “Leo, are you exchanging _looove letters_ with your girlfriend?”

“Shut up, I’m not!” Leo said, the dreamy smile on his face disappearing. “It’s a letter from Guang Hong.”

“Your girlfriend,” Luis insisted.

Leo could feel the heat fill his cheeks. He didn’t want to have this conversation. Not right now. He swallowed and started to put the letter away. “Guang Hong’s a boy,” he said evenly.

Luis snorted. “Wow, faggot.”

Leo tried not to wince. Tried to remember that Luis was just joking. While Leo ignored the slight panic that made his heart beat faster, his brother had already turned and left, the conversation forgotten.

* * *

“Did you see the video that Phichit posted on Instagram earlier? He’s already preparing for the next season!”

“Oh yeah?”

“I can’t wait to see it. He got so far in the GPF last year… It really makes you pumped up with the season coming close again. Have you gotten ideas for your programs yet?”

“Kinda…”

From the other side of the laptop screen, Guang Hong gave him a long stare, his brows furrowing in worry. Leo loved Guang Hong’s expressions; his eyes were so big and pretty and easy to read. It made all of his emotions endearing to watch as they changed over his face.

“Leo, are you alright?”

Leo’s lips pressed thinly together. He knew he was being obvious about being down -- he was usually quite a chatterbox, always cheerful and ready with a smile -- but he hadn’t wanted the damper in his mood to interfere with their video chat. He put his hands together, staring down at them as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“I… It’s just weird coming home sometimes, you know.”

Guang Hong remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

“I think… I think I’m going to tell them. My family. Tell them that I’m…” His door was closed. In the living room, his father and brothers were yelling about the soccer match on TV. He had his headphones on. No one would hear it and yet… Leo lowered his voice. “Tell them I’m gay.”

When he dared to look up, Guang Hong’s eyes were wide, his mouth hanging open slightly. “I… Oh.” For a moment, his speechlessness made Leo remember that he was only 18, and still closeted himself among his own family. Leo wasn’t much older, just two months shy of 20. He didn’t particularly want guidance in this though. He just needed some support.

“What brought this on?” Guang Hong eventually asked, lowering his own voice.

What brought it on indeed. When Leo admitted it out loud like this, the same fears came back. That this was irrelevant, that the trouble wasn’t worth it. He should just stay in the closet and keep this part of himself a secret. He’d gone this long without saying anything, after all.

If he said something, he wouldn’t be able to take disappointing his mother. He just got his father and Luis to stop their stupid jokes of calling him a _maricón_ for going into figure skating in the first place. The only ones who even knew about his sexuality were Phichit, Guang Hong, and Otabek Altin after one late-night conversation in their Twitter DMs, and Leo had sworn all of them to secrecy.

But if he _didn’t_ say something… As much as Leo loved coming home and loved his family, he couldn’t deny that part of himself was stuffed inside of a shoebox under his bed, out of sight. He had to bite his tongue when his _primos_ flung slurs around like it was nothing. When his _tías_ innocently asked when he was going to find a pretty girl to do pair skates with, he could only force a laugh. When his mother lit up at trying Guang Hong’s recipes and talked about how she had watched his programs and loved them, Leo had to swallow down shouting from the rooftops, _“Yes, isn’t he amazing? That’s the boy I love, and I want you to meet him, I want to introduce you to my boyfriend, Mamá.”_

Leo didn’t want to hide anymore. He wanted to be able to breathe, to be able to love just as freely as anyone else. But between the pressures of being a public American athlete and the cultural nature that his family grew up on… It just seemed impossible.

“I just…think it’s time,” he settled on saying. “It’s definitely not something I want to keep a secret forever. I’ve been thinking about it vaguely for years, and the urge just gets bigger every time, especially when I’m with you and the other skaters and I can be more myself… God, remember when Viktor kissed Yuuri Katsuki on freakin’ _television_?”

A smile finally returned to Guang Hong’s lips. “That was amazing,” he said breathlessly, and Leo knew that he had to be mirroring the admiration on his face.

“Yeah. I...want that too. Not kiss you on television!” he quickly said. “I mean, that’d be awesome, _really_ awesome, but… Before that, I just...want to be open in the first place. I think I can start that with my family.”

Guang Hong nodded. “That’s really brave, Leo. I know you’ve been on the fence about it, especially with your dad…”

Leo’s stomach twisted into knots. His father was far from the worst in the world, and would never lay a hand on him. But through and through, he had the typical _machismo_ values of any Spanish-speaking man, and wouldn’t stop railing on Leo when he expressed an interest in dance and figure skating over soccer. Nevermind that Leo literally broke bones and bled for this sport; all his father saw at the end of the day was him twirling around in glittery outfits. Leo didn’t think he could stand a second, and possibly worse, round of that after he revealed that he liked men.

“ _Pinche maricón, I knew it,_ ” Leo could imagine him saying under his breath.

“I wish I could be there when you did it,” Guang Hong said quietly, his gentle voice brushing away Leo’s anxieties. His fingertips had reached out to touch the screen.

Leo relaxed, fondness warming his chest. “I wish you could too, honestly. But, I mean…” A shy smile worked on his lips as he ran a hand through his hair. “I always wish you’re here.”

A pretty pink colored over the adorable freckles on Guang Hong’s face. “ _Jiayou_ , Leo. I know it’ll be hard, but… You seem to have made up your mind, and I’ll support you no matter what.”

“Thanks, Guang Hong.”

“Text me before and after, so I know you’re okay. And, I know it’s drastic and you probably don’t want to think about it, but… You could come to me, if you needed to. I know Beijing is far, but…”

Leo’s smile grew wider. “Thanks. If anything, my coach is here. I haven’t exactly come out to her yet, but considering she’s bisexual, I don’t think she’d mind… Anyway, I appreciate your support. It really helps just...hearing your voice.”

Guang Hong’s expression softened. “Of course, anytime.”

After a moment, Leo decided he had enough of the tension in the air, and he cleared his throat. “So, want me to tell you about the idea for my new program? I already have a playlist going, I’m just trying to find the perfect song.”

Eyes lighting up, Guang Hong smiled as Leo started ranting away about music and triple axels.

* * *

Leo remembered the first time he kissed Guang Hong. It was right after Skate America the previous year, and the two of them had been going out for a few months already. High off a successful skate and the weight of the gold medal around his neck, full of pride for his own boyfriend who was advancing in the competition in his first year in the senior division… They had been wearing matching wide smiles, catching their breath through laughter as their foreheads pressed together.

In the privacy of the changing room, Leo had pressed Guang Hong against the wall and swallowed his small gasp as he pushed their mouths together. He remembered distinctly Guang Hong’s soft breaths, the sound of their lips parting and his nails digging into the delicate fabric of Leo’s suddenly stifling costume.

He remembered apologizing; it was the first time he ever kissed a boy. He didn’t even ask first.

“I’m not mad,” Guang Hong had reassured. His lips were quivering slightly, fighting back a smile. “You can do it more, if you want…”

“Do...you want to?”

Guang Hong still hadn’t let go of his costume. “ _Yeah_ ,” he breathed quietly, now threading his fingers into Leo’s hair and bringing him down for another full-mouthed kiss.

Between Skate America and the Cup of China, those two kisses multiplied to four, then eight, then countless more -- in the hidden streets of China, in their hotel rooms sharing Leo’s earbuds as they listened to sweet songs, after dinner when a piece of rice had gotten stuck to Guang Hong’s mouth… Leo had never felt so weightless, so invincible and clear-headed.

In order to bring that same freedom and happiness that being around Guang Hong gave him into his everyday life, Leo had to do this.

He was helping his mother in the kitchen, the two of them working together to make the _jian bing_ while his father was out watching Luis’ soccer practice. Leo’s other brother, Lalo, was still out working, but would probably be back in the next hour. While Leo was dealing with the black bean sauce, his mother was whisking at the batter, singing along with the song on the radio. She swung her wide hips as she sang, occasionally reaching out to pinch Leo’s cheek.

Leo was pretty certain that he got his enthusiasm for music from his mother, who loved filling the house with song every Saturday morning to wake everyone up. He loved her voice; it wasn’t the most perfect in the world, but somehow it _was_ , and some of his most precious memories were standing beside her in church while she sang along with the hymns.

His heart beat a little faster. Would she allow him to accompany her to church anymore after she knew? Would he get to hear her voice ringing up to the high, bright ceilings ever again? Leo actually loved church, but his Catholic upbringing had definitely contributed to the shame and internalized homophobia that made him take so long to realize he was gay in the first place. 

“Ma.”

“Yes, _mijo_?”

Leo’s throat felt like it was lodged with something, like he had dumped the whole bowl of thick black bean sauce into his mouth. “I… I want to talk to you about something with Dad later.”

“Why can’t you tell me now?” she asked.

“I just can’t yet. Let’s wait for Dad.” The last thing Leo wanted was to work up courage for the same thing twice in one day.

Eventually, the rest of the de la Iglesias returned home, and they all dove into the _jian bing_ that were in a fresh and steaming hot pile. At first, Leo’s father had protested the Chinese cuisine that sometimes ended up on the dinner menu, but once Lalo had joked he had no complaints when they had eggrolls from Panda Express the other week, the family took the food without protest. Now they even seemed to look forward to it sometimes, and Luis always asked for seconds.

 _We can handle change. It takes adjustment, but just like the food, just like when I first started figure skating...they can handle the change._ Leo tried to tell himself  that, forcing down swallows of the _jian bing_. He belatedly realized that he’d been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn’t taken pictures or called Guang Hong for a livestream like usual. He took some last minute photos for Instagram later and ignored the sick feeling in his gut.

God, this was worse than heading on the ice for a competition. As the dishes were put away, Leo tried to shake off the nerves, taking deep breaths and bouncing on the balls of his feet. He got out his phone and sent some quick messages to Guang Hong through Twitter DM.

 

**Me**

_Hey_

_I’m gonna…..tell my parents now_

 

**Guang Hong Ji**

_!!!!!!_

_Okay. Give it your best!_

_And...be safe leo_

_I’m there with you!!_

_You’re so brave, you’re so amazing for doing this_

_No matter what, I’m here for you_

_I love you leo_

 

**Me**

_I love you too_

 

Leo’s heart swelled up in joy over the support Guang Hong continued to give him. It made him feel like his boyfriend really was here, squeezing his hand and murmuring encouragements into his ear. Leo held onto that feeling, and the security that no matter what happened tonight, he still had his friends.

“Leo?”

 _Just say it. Just say it, get it over with._ No matter what, Leo would come out to the other side, just like always. Tonight likely wouldn’t be the day that things would go smoothly. In fact, things might go terribly.

But maybe someday, someday after all the confusion and silent treatments and arguments and tears were done, everything would be alright. Leo just had to believe in that future.

Because at the end of the day, he wasn’t less of a man for loving another man, and he wasn’t less of a son for following his heart.

_“No matter what, I’m here for you.”_

With one last deep breath, Leo crept out of the kitchen and faced his parents.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Mamá, there’s someone I want you to meet.”_

_“...Oh!”_

_“N-Nice to meet you, Mrs. de la Iglesia.”_

_“This is Guang Hong. He’s...my boyfriend.”_

_“...”_

_Eventually, his mother smiled, taking both Guang Hong’s and Leo’s hands and squeezing them._

_“What a pleasure to finally meet you, mijo.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Coming out is an incredibly difficult thing, especially when you're brought up in environments where homosexuality is scorned and never talked about; especially when there are certain social and cultural expectations of you. Whether you're out or in the closet, you're not alone. We're out here, and we're here for you. Be proud of who you are.


End file.
